As he pulled out of the church parking lot, Ken engaged in thought. The lesson was inspiring, and he was looking forward to discussing with friends over lunch.  Yet, it was silent in the car; what had he done now? Did he say something wrong causing embarrassment?  or was she too, pondering the sermon?  That uncomfortable feeling set in: the fear of saying something when he shouldn’t, and the fear of keeping quiet when he shouldn’t.  Two more blocks and if the car was still silent, he would muster the courage to say something.  Here goes: “so what’s wrong with you?”  What? did he really just say that?!   Silence. He had done it now.  As he slowed to turn the corner, he took  a glance at the passenger seat.  She was missing; he had left her standing in the church parking lot! The silence was about to get worse.

True or not, this story reveals a humorous and very sad part of many relationships. Silence is used as a weapon to get what we want and/or we view silence as a weapon against us. Either way it is not golden.

For the love of our families, let’s work towards a better use and understanding of silence. Here are a few tips:

If you are the victim of silence:

1. It may be our perception. Silence is always negative. That is a learned perception. Change how you think about silence by asking God to heal the past hurts, and help you forgive the wounds of silence. If it is being used as a negative tool, don’t give in, and ask to talk about it later. Use “I” messages – it takes the sting out of your words.

2. Give it some time. Some people need to think about their answer or reply.

3. Become comfortable with silence. Sometimes people use silence to help themselves. Allow it; it is worth it.

If you use silence as a weapon:

1. Ask God to change your your heart and behavior. Communicating through silence is a learned behavior that has many tentacles, which can break down family relationships. Make the change for their benefit – see #3.

2. Identify the why. If you use silence to curb your temper or to keep your mouth shut – good.  Tell your family.  If you are using silence to get your own way, tell your family and ask for help.

3. Lean forward, not back. If this is a learned skill, lean towards what you want to become.

4. Communicate. Family members don’t know what you need and/or want if you are silent. Calm statements are your healthy weapon.

Electronic use of silence, may or may not fit into the above categories. Choose to be respectful and friendly by responding to emails and texts when asked a question or information is requested. It’s just the right thing to do.

Bottom line, for the love of family, communicate out loud, not through silence.